Right. I’ve just typed out a couple of paragraphs bemoaning some of the stupid women who foul up the UK industry by fucking up shoots – because we’ve had a couple of them in the last fortnight – but I stopped, held the palm of my hand up in front of me, and said: “Non, Pascal. Your lovely friends are not interested in any of this. Be sunny and bright and share with them all that is golden about your PascalsSubSluts life.” Which is what I’m going to do. So if you’re the idiot woman who pretended to stay in the hotel we booked for you the night before last then texted us half-an-hour late the next morning to say you were stuck on the M1 driving south, you know you are and in case you’ve forgotten then FUCK YOU AGAIN, SWEETIE!! “Zut alors, Pascal! Arretes maintenant!” But I haven’t told them about the other fucking tragedy who did actually turn up in Southend the other night then went out and… “Zey are not interested, mon ami! Pas du tout. Ca suffit maintenant.” Well, OK then. I’ll just have to kick Andy’s arse a few times and get it out of my system that way. (So fat he won’t feel it.)

Right, er, golden. Well yes and that’s not too tricky actually because when one door closes and another opens and in walks such a deliciously HOT TRAMP (© DB, RIP) as Brittany Bardot then it’s just good to know that your penis is such a thoroughly dependable lady exciter and any hole she wants it in he’s going to be more than happy to tickle and tease and tantalise. Yes, the not-English-at-all-but-Czech-by-way-of-Ireland Ms Bardot happily filled in for one of our aforementioned absentees and did a really sterling job. She shared a couple of very naughty stories with us in her interview (one about picking up a couple of Italians on a flight and taking them back to her place, the other about her boyfriend springing a surprise on her by inviting a load of mates from the gym round to have their way with her); she pissed very merrily into Andy’s bath; and she invited my splendid member all the way into the depths of her three available fuck holes whilst suffering all manner of disdainful treatment from me in the good name of PSS. Yes, friends, I thoroughly enjoyed the wench. Took all, gave fuck-all back. With a face like that (pretty yet filthy-dirty) and a cunt like that (meaty, nasty, just fucking asking for it) it was only ever going to go one way. Proof coming soon. Well worth the wait.